Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Some things in life are bad they can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best
And always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the light side of life…
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, song from Monty Python’s Life of Brian
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea: but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Abraham Lincoln
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” ”I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. ”And what do you deduce from that?” asks Holmes. Watson ponders for a minute. ”Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. Gloria Steinem
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry
Joe: Do you know what the capital of Alaska is?
Moe: Juneau?
Joe: If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking you.
I’ve searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.
G. K. Chesterton
The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln
Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
G. K. Chesterton
Yogi Berra-isms:
~ When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
~ If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.
~ When asked what time it was, Yogi said “You mean now?”
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
This summer when you’re being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don’t forget what you’re celebrating, and that’s the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn’t want to pay their taxes.
Dazed and Confused, movie
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Dave Barry
Inside me lives a skinny woman trying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
Said by ?
A preacher and a New York City cab driver arrive at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter lets in the cab driver, while the minister waits outside. After waiting a long time, he finally asks an Angel why the cab driver got in right away and he’s still waiting. “Well,” says the angel, “while you preached, everyone slept. While he drove, everyone prayed.”
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
Groucho Marx
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Robert Wilensky
I try to take one day at a time – but sometimes several days attack me at once. Jennifer Unlimited
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler
I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn’t find one god damned Pryor!
Richard Pryor
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for Whom the Tells Bowled.
Dad: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow!
Child: I’m on my way, Dad.
Dad: But you only have one boot on!
Child: That’s all right! There’s only one foot of snow!
What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Steve Wright?
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a lousy summer!
I realize that I’m generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care.
Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dave Barry
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you’d find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
Dave Barry
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, “Are you all right?”
“No, I lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m positive!”
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a party?
A boo-tie.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
Jack Handey
Have you ever noticed that for the first two years of someone’s life everyone is trying to get them to walk and talk, and for the next 20 years, everyone wants them to sit down and shut up?
Source unknown
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
Q. What do you call a short fortune-teller who escapes from prison?
A. A small medium at large.
The police went to the noted psychic, Ms. Rair, for answers to a mysterious crime. She solved the case immediately. Later, the police commissioner thanked her: “Well done, Medium Rair!”
There’s a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.
Steven Wright
I went to a place to eat that said “Breakfast Anytime.” So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Two Alaskans sitting in a kayak were cold, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!”
The doctor calmly responded, “You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything”
A man walks into a bar. He says “ouch.”
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’
Jerry Seinfeld
Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Only one, but it has to really want to change.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He saddles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers?
Milton Berle
Not Empty Now 